Making a Connection

In truth, if you meet a woman who is really right for you, connecting with her will be no problem. So much of what is espoused in “The Game” are tactics/techniques to unnaturally create something which, under mentally healthy conditions, happens naturally.

In many instances however, men are devolved socially and need to understand the skill that can assist in them presenting themselves in the best light on a date, or in any social situation. Most men make subtle mistakes which repel women, and if reversed can dramatically alter their dating and social lives in a positive way. So, the question goes to you - are you here to empower yourself with actual skill that can help lead you to the right woman? Or, are you here for a bag of tricks in hopes of a quick and easy solution to is, what I guess, a very large emotional problem?

I do feel there is some (minimal) value in “The Game” and the techniques it displays. The community is largely a noise-filled factory of distractions away from the fact that most of the guys have close to zero really going for them so they manufacture countless ways to perform at being cool and interesting rather than really investing in themselves and becoming naturally cool and interesting. The purpose of CEIC is to help men do just that - evolve as men, not devolve into an assortment of shells of others, who are just as clueless as you…I assure you…

I undertook the task then of uncovering 10 actually useful skills from “The Game” and continue that series here.

The fifth skill I want to cover is “connecting”. There are some things that you can do which will assist you and her (or anyone) in coming together. Now, this doesn’t mean that the two of you will then decide that you are more or less interested in the other - not at all. These are simply ways to help you SEE if there is any chemistry.

1) LISTEN - this should be obvious. One huge complaint that women have about men is our inability to really listen. We’d rather hear ourselves think, than listen to her talk. When I work with guys one-on-one I always do a brief, but startling listening exercise with them. This is where I make a statement, then the client paraphrases the statement back to me, then adds his own experience or relationship to that topic. I then do the same in reverse. We do this a few times back and forth, and it is ALWAYS the case that the guy cannot believe how hard it is to REALLY listen to the statement. He will most often repeat back to me verbatim what he heard (proving that he did not actually listen and RELATE to the comment) or he simply talks about himself with no reference to what I said. The dating idea here is to ALLOW HER TO FEEL HEARD. You have no idea how important this is. If she feels heard, her mood often dramatically changes, she is likely to be more open and, consequently, more interested in you. You get what you give, in other words. People want to be heard, and are more likely to want to be with you if they feel that you really listen to them…

2) RELATE COMMON EXPERIENCES - Pretty simple, people are more likely to stay together if they have more in common. If you like to water-ski, and she likes to water-ski, then you have something in common which positively influences the connection. So, when dating, your goal is to discover whether these naturally exist or not. My tip to guys is to lead your portion of the conversation into the topics that interest you, and see if she is able to relate to them. Ideally the conversation should be balanced 50/50 - but you want to be sure to bring up the values and topics which interest you and receive her response.

Here’s an example. I have a friend who is a staunch democrat, and simply cannot date a republican. So, one of the first things he does on a first date is to mention that his father was an elected official in CA and that he is a democrat. He does this in a way which fits into the conversation, and it always gives him the feedback he needs. This is perhaps extreme, but the best way to find out something about another person is to talk about that particular topic yourself. Simply lead the discussion into that topic, and see what happens. If it is really important, you can always ask her…”so which side of the spectrum do you fall-in?” (might be his question)

3) SHARED EXPERIENCES IN REAL-TIME - what brings people together more than doing fun/adventurous things TOGETHER? Absolutely nothing. The entire purpose of Outward Bound is based on this theory. There are countless courses out there teaching employees to come together via team-building exercises, which are simply common tasks that they must complete together.

Recently, I grabbed a host of friends and we went to Coney Island here in New York. We rode all of the rides together (The Cyclone - 4 times for example), and the result at the end of the day, was a very sincere feeling of being connected, and of feeling our community strengthen. When dating, we can apply the same idea - now, you may not take a woman on a first date to Coney Island, but you might make it somewhat interesting and adventurous. Instead of doing the normal thing like coffee, try something completely outside of the box. Re-read my notes on the perfect first date in Chelsea, NYC as a classic example. In this case, we have a venue which is totally unique, requires a exploration, and is totally adventurous - you never know what is going to happen. Think this is a bit more interesting and fun than your local Starbucks??

So, I challenge each of you to find the interesting spots in your community - they are definitely there, but just require you to discover them…plus, if you take a woman to an interesting, adventurous spot, you not only help strengthen the connection, but you are also not going to be categorized as just an average guy.

So, that concludes this essay on connecting. Again, if you have nothing in common you can do all of the right things and never have a real connection. It is not possible to manipulate or manufacture something which is not naturally there - these skills are designed to help you discover if there really potential for a connection between you and her. If there isn’t, you will know quickly and not waste hers or your time.

Ultimately, if both you and she are really attracted to each other, and feel the initial spark of chemistry, you’ll have no problem connecting with each other… as both of you will do everything possible to spend time together, will be open to the others’ advances, and will forgive things in each other that, if seen in another, would be cause to cancel.

Really guys - if you have to work really hard at connecting with someone, then there wasn’t a real connection there in the first place. If you have to jump through hoops to attract someone, it wasn’t REALLY there in the first place…”Working it” implies that it is not naturally there, and that you should move on.

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Stephen Nash is the co-founder of Cutting Edge Image Consulting. Their products include: “Natural Attraction: A Real World Guide to Image Enhancement and Dating For Men”, a 7-Day audio program, complete with workbook and exercises and the complimentary classic e-book, “How To Get A Girlfriend”. CEIC also offers seminars in New York City, and continually sees clients on a one-on-one basis.