In the process of seduction, a lot of people view the first kiss as the first major “transition point”, moving the interaction from casual hangout and flirtation to slightly-more-serious “I like you” territory.
Because the first kiss seems like such an important transition point, it’s one of the most-often fouled-up parts of the seduction process. I’m here to tell you that A) Kissing a girl is not a big deal, and B) once you realize that fact, you will get k-closes with much greater frequency.
De-Program That Shit
Once you disassociate from the anxiety of “Does she want to kiss me? Does she not want to kiss me? HOW DO I TELL?” k-closing a girl is much easier. You just adopt the mental attitude that you kiss girls, you enjoy it, it doesn’t mean much, and let things flow naturally from there.
Although I initially had my own difficulties kiss-closing regularly, I got over it by taking the attitude that really, before getting involved with a girl, I had to know how good of a kisser she was. In fact, I would often k-close using this exact routine: “How good of a kisser are you, on a scale of 1 to 10?” (The girls usually answers “10″ or “11″) Then I’d say “Prove it” and we’d start making out. If you hold that frame strong enough they leap right through the hoop trying to prove what awesome kissers they are. I had one lovely Serbian girl literally try to eat my face after I ran that one on her. (I told her to use less tongue. Next time we kissed, she didn’t even open her mouth. Oops.)
(In fact, I now hold this same frame for sex — before I even consider a relationship with a girl, I’ve got to sample her sexual abilities. This is sort of a farce because women, in general, don’t have to have the huge range of sexual abilities that guys do: the basic determinations are (1) do you like the noises she makes and (2) is she good at oral sex, but that’s probably a topic for another article. Suffice to say I won’t even consider getting “into a relationship” with a girl without first sexing her, and I say this straight-up to girls. It’s pay to play, and they either get with the program or move on. No complaints so far).
If you de-program your anxiety about kissing, and replace it with the view that kissing is natural and fun, kissing will happen. You’ve got to be congruent with it, like with all things — it helps if you really happen to really be a connoisseur of lips and enjoy kissing (which I just happen to).
A Time and Place for Everything
The first kiss is really something that ought to happen in a memorable and positive way for a girl. It needs to be orchestrated (like most of the seduction process) to happen naturally, and at a time when she’ll be wanting it, but not necessarily expecting it.
In Batman Begins, Henri Ducard tells Bruce Wayne to “always mind your surroundings”. This is good advice to keep in mind when thinking about when to kiss a girl. In general, don’t kiss girls at “traditional” moments when they might be expecting — and guarding against — a potential kiss. When it comes to timing a kiss, don’t follow tradition or society’s scripts, write your own.
And for God’s sake, don’t leave it until the very end of a date, when you’ve walked her to her door and she’s said “I had a really nice time” and there’s an awkward pause.
Also, don’t just spring it on her at a random moment, say during a lull in the conversation. Although this can work if she’s sufficiently attracted to you, the “weirdness” of it is likely to backfire on you. While I’m on a movie kick, think of Donnie Darko, in which Donnie (Jake Gyllenhall) tries to kiss Gretchen (Jena Malone) while they’re walking through a park, to which she replies: “I want it to be at a time [when it reminds me just how beautiful life can be]….and besides, right now there’s some creepy fat guy staring at us.”
Avoid the creepy-fat-guy-staring moments in life. Those are not the moments for a kiss!
There are definite times and places to initiate a kiss; and while the time and place that is most appropriate (”romantic”) for you and your girl will differ greatly from what is appropriate for another couple, we can lump all of those “appropriate” times and places together under one big banner: The Moment.
The Moment will come along, I swear, in any scenario when a girl is attracted to you (and you’re attracted right back) and you keep hanging out. If you know how to recognize The Moment, you’ll kiss her, and properly escalate things; if you are clueless as how to how to recognize The Moment, either through inexperience or lack of social skills or too many thoughts clouding your intuition, you will miss it, and the girl will rarely give you another Moment (why should she?)
Final movie quote (I promise); Pirates of the Caribbean, Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp), to Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) right after he missed an opportunity to enfold the lovely Miss Swan (Keira Knightly) in a passionate embrace: “If you were waiting for the opportune moment, that was it.”
Recognizing ‘The Moment’
You must train yourself to be aware of The Moment, just as surely as you can tell when a girl is attracted to you. You must develop a sixth sense for it.
A lot of seducers will use this or that line to create a kiss opportunity (like, “Are you adventurous? Okay. Are you trusting? Okay, close your eyes” [kiss her] or “Would you like to kiss me?” Or “I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now”) but I find it better to wait and let things progress naturally until you get “the moment”. Lines can backfire on you too easily.
So what does “The Moment” feel like? Well, it feels just like a hook point when you know a particular girl is attracted. It’s a combination of environmental awareness (minding your surroundings) and empathic awareness (awareness of the girl). You take in the environment around you and the girl and her body language and you can tell she wants to be kissed.
It’s hard to describe, it’s something you have to learn by trial and error. And by error I do mean ERROR, in order to properly refine this skill you need to go for the kiss and get the brush off a few times. It’s not the end of the world; worst case, you get slapped (and that is the ABSOLUTE worst case, trust me) and what kind of man are you if you’ve never been slapped by a woman?
More Practical Techniques
Apart from developing a sense for “The Moment”, what can you do to literally create a moment?
My M.O. used to be to get girls back to my place, put them on my bad, and start giving them a back massage, and then lean down and kiss them (their head would of course be turned to the side). This worked pretty well. A couple times, the girls shied away, saying something like “You’re going to have to work harder than that.” This is pretty common: girls guiding you verbally and giving you signposts letting you know how close they are to being “ready”. Personally, I think this is just about the coolest thing ever — you, as a girl, are going to tell me how to seduce you? Okay….
A lot of the advice on kissing says to use “triangular gazing”. This is looking at a girl’s eyes, then her lips, then back to here eyes (each one in turn), in a triangular pattern (left eye, right eye, lips, left eye, right eye, etc), often while licking your lips. This is supposed to send a clear and strong “I’m ready to kiss you” signal. I find this technique a bit too needy — I’m not gonna sit there and stare at a girl’s face and licking my lips for 20 minutes, I’m going to start eating her. I’d rather communicate my intentions directly rather than obliquely.
Having said that, watching for triangular gazing and lip-licking FROM the girl can cue you in that she is “ready” to be kissed and thinking about it. So keep your eyes OPEN.
Personally I never go straight for a kiss; I find it generates too much anxiety / resistance in girls (and some women). I just escalate kino playfully (I kino A LOT and very impudently; I am always pushing boundaries) to the point that I can transition easily into a kiss / make-out.
Here’s the transition: after a bit of tussling or tickling, I start nibbling her ears, breathing on her neck or hair, sniffing, licking, biting (biting is golden) and then from there it’s really easy to just turn her face slightly and kiss. It’s usually pretty much magnetism at that point and you can’t AVOID a kiss or make-out.
The key here is to get her aroused BEFORE you get anywhere near her lips; all the teasing of her nerve-endings just serves to inflame her desire. Most women are very easily aroused by light touching / nibbling / breathing on their necks and ears; try the area just below and behind her earlobe, in some women that’s a real firestarter.
On biting: do it gently but firmly, using your teeth to squeeze loose skin together. Remember, the goal isn’t to pierce the skin or cause pain, but merely to rake your teeth over the skin, giving her the sensation of being bitten, without any actual pain.
Remember there are fewer nerve endings in certain areas (shoulder blades, back, legs) than others (earlobes, anywhere on the front of the body), and adjust your “bite intensity” accordingly. You don’t want to kill the mood by actually hurting her *too* intensely (although some women like some pain).
Final Thoughts: Hygiene, Etc
Kissing is pretty fun since, technically, it’s a low-risk sexual activity, but I happen to be ultra paranoid about staying healthy, so I always ask girls: “Have you ever had mono?” Some girls I ask this within minutes of meeting them, or as soon as things turn flirtatious. I ask it in a joking way, but I’m serious: mononucleosis can lie dormant in someone and then be passed to someone else who has never had it.
I’ve never had mono, and I don’t plan on getting it; letting women know you have similar hygienic standards not only reveals you probably low risk when it comes to the more frightening STDs, but also that you’re non-needy.
Finally, I won’t kiss smokers. And I’ve met some beautiful, sexy women I was actually getting interested in before they lit up in front of me; then it turned into “Too bad”. That’s the price they pay.
Of course, your mileage may vary.
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