Hi, I'm a Good Vibe (Part 1 - 3)

Hi, I'm a good vibe. (Part 1)

Approach Calibration with Strangers and Friends

Or: how to make approaching strangers just as easy as approaching friends.

The average person assumes that his approach to a stranger is unwelcome. Therefore, he either approaches apologetically and meekly, or he acts overbearing to plow through his anticipated rebuff. However, it is precisely these uncalibrated behaviors that cause a stranger?s desire to be rid of him. If someone approaches his own friends with as little calibration most guys have when approaching girls, even his friends will feel uneasy and may act to "blow him out," just as girls might.

When a man makes a woman uneasy with an uncalibrated approach, he requires her to find a way to alleviate her discomfort. She will either: 1. guide the man to be more at ease (if she is socially savvy, bored, and feeling charitable), or 2. ?blow off? the man so he leaves and takes the uneasiness with him?this might be as harsh as a verbal assault, or as mild as giving short answers or ignoring him.

If you don?t calibrate, your interaction will, from the start, be painful for both yourself and whoever you are talking to. If you calibrate well, your interaction will start as smoothly as with an old friend.

Consider when you unexpectedly see a close friend on the street, in the store, or in a club. When approaching your friend, there is a presumption of being welcome--your approach is easy; their response is affectionate. Most people are practiced at calibrating; they just don?t do it with strangers.

The basic art of calibrating is the same whether it is between friends or strangers. If you calibrate with your friends, then simply use the same skills when approaching strangers. And if you sense social awkwardness around even your friends, then the richness of your entire life will increase by improving your calibration skills.

When we talk of calibrating, we?re talking about adjusting your outputs: your energy, volume, speed, tension, and overall vibe so that they mesh well with the person you?re approaching. This allows you to connect and communicate easily.

Make it a general rule to be open and warm, and anticipate good connections with everyone you encounter.

Important: if you are in your head, you won?t perceive the delicate nuances of the world around you, and you cannot calibrate to them. Being in your head will assure that you?ll be uncalibrated. Being open is a necessary precondition of calibrating.

It is impressive to see someone like Johnny, the supa-pimp, approach complete strangers and appear to have known them for years. But you can learn as much by observing people who have known each other for years. Observe all interactions around you. Notice the differences between people who calibrate well and those who do not. Become aware of how you calibrate when approaching acquaintances. Note what effect it has. Notice how people calibrate when approaching you and what effect that has on how you respond. When sitting in a restaurant, observe how people around you calibrate when they come back to their tables to rejoin the person they are with. If you are in a big enough city, walk a busy street, and notice how you feel differently toward the beggar who is in his own head while demanding your money verses the one who has learned to calibrate. What are they doing differently?

As you get used to calibrating to strangers, approaching them begins to happen as easily as with friends. Also, I?ve noticed that as I?ve improved at calibrating with my friends, the quality of my friendships has grown. My relationships to people have become deeper, richer, and more enjoyable--for both me and them.

Hi, I'm a good vibe. (Part 2)

The easy way: open with just your vibe.


I was recently meeting a friend in a hip, big-city hotel lounge. When I walked in, he was nowhere to be seen. Assuming he was running late, I prepared to call him?then realized I would be calling him just to occupy myself. So, I closed my phone, deciding to occupy myself in more interesting ways. I walked towards the nearest couch, where four attractive girls were holding court. They had a pleasant, upbeat vibe, which I took in and projected back as I approached. I responded to the first one who looked up; I said, ?Hi? as though I was saying ?fancy seeing you here? to some old friends. She returned the greeting, introduced her group, and made room for me to sit and join them.

They immediately told me how impressed they were that I was able to just walk up and start talking to them (remember, I?d only said: ?Hi?). They said that this was unique among the guys there, and they wanted to find out all about me. Soon after I sat down, they re-arranged themselves so that I was sitting next to the most attractive one. When my friend finally arrived, I had to extract myself from the center of these girls, much to their disappointment. However, later that night, guess who found a way to get me on a corner couch to whisper interesting, highly detailed things into my ear with her body all over mine?

Approaching in a warm and calibrated way distinguishes you as a rare breed. People will respect you and desire to know you. It?s ballsy to be unguarded and welcoming. Girls like a man who is ballsy. Frequently, this alone will inspire others to jump in and make an effort to know you. Also, to calibrate well, you must get outside of your head and see clearly every nuance of what is around you. I believe that doing this makes others feel truly seen and understood, comfortable and appreciated.

A half hour ago, I was walking down a sidewalk, and suddenly a goddess was walking toward me. She wore big sunglasses, an open yet form-fitting jacket, a strong but relaxed vibe, and a torn-edged denim miniskirt that revealed a long pair of legs just tanned enough--and perfectly muscular; the rough edge of the denim emphasized their perfection so much, it was almost unbearable. My mind goes into gear: should I talk to her? What could I say to capture her attention. Is there a floppsy around? It?s slightly chilly out, perhaps her legs are cold? No, no good?try as I might, I just can?t get my focus away from those legs. It occurs to me to just focus on her vibe and see if I could calibrate to her energy. It feels good. I like her energy; I like being suddenly out of the tight confines of my head and fully experiencing the bright autumn day. All of the sudden, she smiles at me and said ?Hi!? (yes, with an exclamation point). I?ll never know for sure, but I like to think that it was my subtle, nonverbal, masterful calibration that made that made her comfortable and happy to see me. Yes, I greeted her back?

Hi, I’m a good vibe. (Part 3)

I’m a good vibe for a good reason


Many people resist approaching strangers because they assume that they will not be able to easily relate to them. They fear having nothing to say or talk about. I used to think this, and I give huge credit to Johnny, the supa-pimp, for showing me how this thinking is not only unhelpful, but it is always false. For example, a 47 year-old engineer may feel like he cannot genuinely relate to a 22 year-old supermodel and certainly not easily and instantly. But he’d be wrong.

When Johnny, the supa-pimp, approaches people, it often appears that he has known them for years. At first I was awed at how effective it was to act that way. But, then I learned that Johnny, the supa-pimp, isn?t acting; in a deep and real way, he *has* known them for years. No, they haven?t met up in some 4th dimensional conference room during a near-death experience, nor do they share the same particular life events; but they have traveled many of the same emotional journeys?and this is what he taps into.

You already share many emotional experiences with anyone you’ll ever approach: you’ve both felt excitement, wonder, boredom, rage, tiredness, humiliation, confidence, anticipation, embarrassment, jealousy, happiness, shyness, euphoria, sadness, lust, contentment, fear, exhilaration, among many more. Chances are, you’ll be able to relate to the very first thing someone says that has any emotional content. Whether she says ?I want to f^ck you? or ?f^ck off!? or anything in between, you can relate. And actually, I think I’ve gotten both of those. The key is to relate to the emotion behind the statement, not the factual content of the statement. That way, not only can you relate to anything someone says, but you?ll also be relating to people in a deeper, more satisfying way?a way that most people are craving. When approaching people, just assume that you already relate to them?because you do.

There’s nothing to memorize or remember; you simply find actual emotional experiences of yours that relate to whatever is being said by the person you are talking to.

Probably the toughest situation I?ve encountered so far, and I?ve actually had this twice, was: ?My sister is dying of cancer.? But both times became great interactions that I will always cherish (and I?ve never had a close relative dying of cancer, or of anything else). I admired the strength of both women, as well as their vivid appreciation for life, which is so limited. I learned a lot from them. One interaction lasted the duration of a plane flight; the other has become a friendship that will last far into the future.

Knowing that you’ll relate to the first thing anyone says will make it easier to approach strangers with a warm, confident vibe. Approaching a close friend is easy, because you know you’re going to relate to him. The same is true of a stranger, whether it be a 4-year old, a 19 year-old Playmate, or a 92 year-old great great great grandmother.

And if you ever do find yourself unable to relate to someone, simply ask for emotions from them until you find one you can relate to. A great default question is: ?What was that like?? Another one is: ?How did that make you feel??

As you relate to more strangers in this way, you’ll experience commonalities and good connections with everyone you talk to. After enough of these experiences, you will start naturally projecting a warmer, friendlier vibe toward everyone, all of the time. Something deep inside of you will begin to expect these connections with everyone you meet, and it will show.

By Don Diego de la Vega